The Value to Being "Down"

As is probably true of most people, when I am particularly exhausted without any specific reason to feel happy, I tend to feel more "down" than at most other times. Earlier tonight (before my nap), that took the form of musing over the countless things I have given up for the all-encompassing goal of school. Activities I have declined to participate in, relationships I have neglected to develop, hundreds of thousands of reading-hours (and hence personal, voluntary self-education as well as entertainment) I have forfeited... I try not to think about it too often, because it'd make me cry. I just block it out for the sake of the goal and forge forward, thinking that the sooner I'm done the sooner I can move away from that painful lifestyle. I try (although I often don't succeed) to live by the quote I put at the bottom of my emails: "Though no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end." -Carl Bard

Tonight, though, I had something of a revelation through my depressive/angry feeling. If I continue devoting all my primary energies to my prescribed future -- that is, the professional future I am "supposed" to have -- I will continue to forsake the present...and hence the future I actually want, which is being a person who is built on all the valuable (by her own estimation) things she has already done. (Yes, I know that even hard experiences have learning value, but that's the kind I think I can probably get without going to look for them on purpose!) Also, maybe this isn't much more than I already knew, namely, that I should take my mother's advice through a very strong filter. But it bears a sharp, zinging reminder every now and then.

It's really good I found a temporary internship instead of a long-term job. :-)))) But now, since I only really have a few days left to this era of my life, and I have a final project due in less than eight hours...I'd better get back to work.