It just didn't work out

In going through all my piles, I come to notes and problem sets from my engineering classes, and it makes me kind of sad. I look at everything I wrote, and it's a foreign language now. When it came down to what I like to do, I should have stayed in engineering. I even knew that then; I just also knew that I could only handle it if I could have taken a part-time schedule every semester (but spend full time on it). So I switched, but the entire episode is tinged with regret. I actually enjoyed that stuff, but I never got anything positive out of all the effort. It became a dead end, which is really a shame. It's one more instance of time-pressure being my enemy, the entity that steals all my potential accomplishments. All the things I could do if only I could do them fast enough...

And when I throw all this stuff away, I feel like I'm discarding a piece of myself that never came to fruition.

Expanding Margin

I just want to point out that even when I don't post much, I have been surreptitiously adding links to my template. So check them out every so often...

Also, I have not been adding links to blogs of people I don't know until I've actually read them more or less in full. Call me compulsive (you'd be right), but you'll just have to be patient.

Another piece in the puzzle

Yay! I found someone who wants to adopt my gerbils. And I sent a contract to my subletter this evening. And Columbia finally paid Cornell what they owe so Cornell could pay me, so I may be able to pay off my credit card bill sometime soon.

Immediate goals:

• Figure out where to get relatively clean boxes and packing materials cheaply (or free)

• Figure out how to pack all the things I need to pack into the space I need to pack them -- FAST

• Figure out which of the courses at Columbia that fulfill my requirement I will be able to handle, do the paperwork to get it approved by Cornell, do the other paperwork to get the tuition waived by Columbia, and register

• Pray that it doesn't snow next week when I need to travel from Ithaca to NYC!

Hmm...is it telling that "prayer" is last on my list? Gotta work on that...

What is cold?

I always learned, according the basic laws of physics, that cold is simply the absence of heat. That there's no such thing as "cold" as an entity in and of itself. Well, last night my feet -- yes, my feet -- proved me wrong.

I have really poor circulation, to the extent that it is not unusual for my entire body to be perfectly warm and my feet (and/or hands) to be icy. (Of course, sometimes those appendages feel like they're burning up when the rest of me is comfortable...but that's off the topic.) Last night, I couldn't get my feet warm by encasing them in socks and blankets, which often happens because the layers just act as insulation to keep them as cold as they already are. So I went into the kitchen where there's a hot-water pipe running floor to ceiling and pressed my feet against it, in my socks, until they were truly toasty. I then went back to bed, under my down quilt, still wearing the warmed socks. Within five minutes my feet were cold again. Tell me, please, how it is possible that my feet generate cold???

Oh...and it serves me right that the night after posting that I rarely ever have trouble falling asleep, I should have lain in bed awake for about an hour and a half in total. The stress of my upcoming move is getting to me.

Time-starved

I have heard many stories of people who were deprived of food during an oppressive time, either the Holocaust or a personal situation of intense poverty, later being unable to moderate their instincts to hoard food. L'havdil, I think I may be suffering from trauma of a similar sort with regard to time.

For a lot of complicated reason involving the schools that I have attended (elementary through college), my mother's personality (i.e. the way I was raised), and my incredible inability to do anything quickly, I have a long history of deprivation of free time. By "free," I mean time in which there is actually nothing I am supposed to be doing. As a result, any time I do have even vaguely "to myself," I try to drag out as long as possible, even when it is completely self-destructive to do so. And time that is not really my own to do what I want, I take anyway. I am a time-cleptomaniac.

This is the explanation I've developed for why I'm late to everything. It's not because I'm not conscious of the time, because quite the opposite is true. I go crazy if I don't have a watch on my wrist that I can consult every 30 seconds when I'm on a tight schedule. I do care, and I don't mean to be inconsiderate and make people wait, nor do I like to make a grand entrance. In fact, I desperately hate it. It makes my insides curl up every time I have to walk in late somewhere or apologize for my tardiness. But no matter how far ahead I start to get ready or how well I plan, ten to one I will be late anyway -- because some compulsion made me stay just a few minutes extra to do one last thing before I left. The time is there, and I can't resist using it, even if it's not really available. It doesn't matter how trivial an activity I use it for, or if I waste it entirely.

Of course, the same motivation is at the root of much of my procrastination. Granted, there are many things I put off doing simply because I dread doing them -- but in many other instances, it is not the avoidance of productive activity but rather the hoarding of non-work time that holds me back. That's counter-productive, of course. It's irrational in the extreme, because if I'd just get my work done I'd have time that's truly free. But my psyche can't be bothered with logic, it seems....or maybe it's just been too conditioned to the understanding that that particular logic is flawed: No matter how diligently I work on something, it will never be done before the next task needs to have already been started. So why work diligently?

And, as if you can't tell by the time-stamp on this post, I do the same thing at night, when the appointment to which I'm making myself late is with my mattress. I can be exhausted, or need to get up early the next day, or simply know that it would be better for me to keep a reasonably normal schedule...but I will still sit up, perhaps doing something meaningful while my brain is still capable and then continuing with mindless drivel after that. It's not because I have any underlying fear of going to bed, because I have insomnia once in a blue moon and nightmares even less frequently. Generally I sleep like a log, starting from about 10 minutes (or less) from when I lie down. No, it's because I can't bear to give up whatever it is I'm doing to go to bed, even if whatever that is is nothing.

I know all this, and yet the compulsion is just as strong as ever. How to fight it????

A holographic beit hamikdash???

This is SO WEIRD!!! (thanks to Josh for somehow finding it)

Old baggage

I am an incorrigible packrat. I keep things because I think they may come in handy sometime (which, in my defense, they often do -- I can't count how many times I've solved a logistical problem with some random object I kept with no specific reason in mind). I also keep papers, either because I think I will want to see them again years down the line for sentimental reasons (also usually true) or because I am under the delusion that sometime I will have the desire and the time to sit down and learn something in which my old readings/notes/glossary pages will help me. Despite the years that pass and the multiple times I sort through my piles and piles, there are always those items that I've never touched since I used them in elementary or high school but attached to which are the notion that they will have some purpose in my future. This happens most frequently with the old Hebrew stories and poems, the articles on Jewish history and thought, the text sources from old shiurim. They become just like all the books on my shelves that are still staring me down, waiting to be read.

I even kept a pile of unread Time magazines from March-July 2003. When I had the subscription I read them faithfully, but I got behind. And then, very behind. It seems many people can read a magazine or two a week, and even a newspaper (or several!!!) a day, and still go about their normal productive lives, and even read books on the side. And they browse the web, and cook real meals every night for dinner, and work full time. This mystifies me to no end, without even including the people who take care of kids in addition to all that. But anyway, I kept the magazines because I was actually learning things from them -- some current events, some political issues, some popular science and popular culture...so I figured it'd be better to go on learning this stuff even a little while after it happened. That, of course, is why those magazines have been sitting in my "stuff" cabinet for a year, right?

So my problem is, how do I differentiate between the things I might really read -- like, hopefully, all those books on my shelves -- and the things I am deluding myself about?? Must I prefer to read something from the pile to anything else that might catch my eye in order to justify keeping it?

Frozen

Last night it was -7° (yes, that's in Fahrenheit). This morning it was 18°. Now it's a whopping 27° -- yay, it's warm!

Brrrrrrrr.

Wanderlust

WHY must I work this semester? There are so many more exciting things to DO! I'd so much rather travel the country. Quite a while ago I developed a fantasy route based on the Amtrak lines that would probably take me about two months to traverse...and then there's this...sigh. WHY????? If not now, when?

On Voting and other Good Behavior

I'm on the aish.com mailing list, ever since I entered their raffle for a free trip to Israel several months ago. Their emails consist of a composite of links to their most recent collection of articles. I don't always read right them right away, but I don't delete them either, and usually I go back at some point and skim for the good pieces. That's how I came to be reading about Life in the Swing State over a month after elections.

If you read the article, you might find yourself wondering, inconsequentially (as I did), who Rabbi Leff actually voted for. But of course, that's completely irrelevant to his point. He suggests that no matter how worked up everyone got about the election, each person's vote is matched in importance by his or her behavior every day, every minute. He explains that just as every single vote has an impact on the end result in a swing state, every single action -- good or evil, considerate or thoughtless -- has an impact on the direction of the world. His image of a person touched by gentleness being in a better mood to interact with other people down the line resounds to the theme of the movie Pay it Forward, which I appreciate greatly.

When I happened to mention to several people that I might not.../...didn't vote last month, I got vehemently disapproving reactions. "But it's your responsibility!" was the general gist. My response (besides my tirade on the electoral system making my vote, from a non-swing state, completely useless anyway) was that I didn't feel I knew enough about the individual candidates, or even about the issues on which they based their platforms, to be able to make a choice that was at all meaningful, and that I didn't feel an arbitrary choice would do the country any good...and might, in fact, do quite the opposite. Educating myself sufficiently on any of the above would take much longer than a dose of pre-election cramming would allow for, and besides, although I'm always trying to educate myself, for the most part my topic priorities just aren't motivated by U.S. politics. I don't think that makes me a bad person, or even necessarily a bad American. I tend to live my life on a smaller scale, trying to give time and energy to the things I see in my daily life on which I can have a positive effect. (See the Emerson quote in my profile...) I certainly don't claim to be tremendously accomplished even in this arena, but given my limited time (or, more accurately, my limited capacity to make productive use of my time), I'd rather devote my energies to personal interactions, and to self-edification on subjects that naturally attract my interest.

No, I don't think Rabbi Leff's article was intended to advocate menschliness instead of voting. He was just drawing a parallel to emphasize the significance of daily activities that don't have nearly the fuss made over them that voting has. But I already find the object of his urging far more personally relevant than the choices on a ballot, and the connection he points to has been in my mind since long before reading the article, so I found the piece a good springboard to explain my views.

Oh, and since I happened to use the term "menschliness" -- check out Rabbi Haskel Lookstein's landmark sermons: "Menschliness Before Godliness" and "If Menschliness Before Godliness, Then Why Godliness?" Having attended the school of which he is the principal for 13 years and the shul of which he is the rabbi for more longer than that, I have a hunch that his views may have influenced me just a tad.

DONE...almost

Gee, I wish I were really and truly done...but still it feels so GOOD!!!!!!!!!

Punikah? Chanurim?

One of the women in the community, for whom I babysat last week and probably will again after finals, called me up yesterday afternoon. "Do you want a doughnut?" Err...what? "Well, I made sufganiyot -- too many -- and now I'm driving around giving them out to friends. If you want some, I'll call you in a couple of minutes when I'm in front of your house." Sure enough, I got the call, came downstairs, and was handed a paper towel with four sugared mini-doughnut balls, two with jam and two without. Yummy!

If I had to rate the sweetness of the doughnuts, the thought and the effort, the doughnuts would lose. I felt like I was getting mishloach manot for Chanukah! :-)

The Value to Being "Down"

As is probably true of most people, when I am particularly exhausted without any specific reason to feel happy, I tend to feel more "down" than at most other times. Earlier tonight (before my nap), that took the form of musing over the countless things I have given up for the all-encompassing goal of school. Activities I have declined to participate in, relationships I have neglected to develop, hundreds of thousands of reading-hours (and hence personal, voluntary self-education as well as entertainment) I have forfeited... I try not to think about it too often, because it'd make me cry. I just block it out for the sake of the goal and forge forward, thinking that the sooner I'm done the sooner I can move away from that painful lifestyle. I try (although I often don't succeed) to live by the quote I put at the bottom of my emails: "Though no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end." -Carl Bard

Tonight, though, I had something of a revelation through my depressive/angry feeling. If I continue devoting all my primary energies to my prescribed future -- that is, the professional future I am "supposed" to have -- I will continue to forsake the present...and hence the future I actually want, which is being a person who is built on all the valuable (by her own estimation) things she has already done. (Yes, I know that even hard experiences have learning value, but that's the kind I think I can probably get without going to look for them on purpose!) Also, maybe this isn't much more than I already knew, namely, that I should take my mother's advice through a very strong filter. But it bears a sharp, zinging reminder every now and then.

It's really good I found a temporary internship instead of a long-term job. :-)))) But now, since I only really have a few days left to this era of my life, and I have a final project due in less than eight hours...I'd better get back to work.

Giving Up the Good Life

I spent a quiet, peaceful shabbat at home today. I moved through my apartment, enjoying the mineness of it, as I often have before, but realizing with a heavy, wary anticipation quite how soon I'm going to lose that peace.

*Sigh* I am NOT looking forward to this move...

Up Front on Life in Israel

Here's an intriguing collection of anecdotal articles on real life in Israel. No, no, I'm not procrastinating. I'm taking a break. ;-)

YAY!!!!

My first (and worst) final is done. Less than a week to go! :-D

Chanukah sameach and shabbat shalom, y'all...

No escape

The problem with a college town is that too many people here are students!

When I was in the city over Thanksgiving, I was determined to get some work done on Saturday night, so I went to a Starbucks a couple of blocks from my parents' apartment...and I did! Granted, I stayed there about six hours, but I got more work done in that time than I've been known to do over a whole weekend (which is an entirely separate, much-too-well-known story). Anyway, I decided I needed to find a similar place here in Ithaca. The only problem is, everyone here is studying! The reason Starbucks was so conducive to getting work done was because it was a public place (so I would have looked rather foolish playing computer games or doing some of the other inane things I have come up with to waste time), I had no internet access, and the atmosphere was relaxed. People there were reading, writing in journals, chatting, doing professional work, listening to music. The fact that I happened to be doing schoolwork was my own business. Here, everyone knows what I'm supposed to be doing, because they're all supposed to be doing the same thing, and either they are or else they're procrastinating, which is what I'm not supposed to be doing (but am). The tension is everywhere, and I feel like people are looking over my shoulder to see whether I'm being good or bad (even though I know they're not). I wish there were someplace here where I could feel visible without feeling watched. But I'd better make do, I guess, because my final is tomorrow morning.

All right. Ready, set...GO!

Joining the game

So I decided (in the heat of procrastination) that I'd join the new fad. I like to share my thoughts as much as anyone, and several of my friends have been trying to convince me for years now to keep a journal...so here it is. It won't get as personal as a private journal would, nor can I guarantee the frequency of my having something to say, but hopefully I can keep it moderately interesting. So check in every now and then!

As for the name, I'm sure some of you get it. If you can't figure it out, ask me. I might tell you. ;-) If I think of a better one, maybe it'll change, but in the meantime...beware! *SNAP!*

Glossary

No, this wasn't really posted in December 2004 -- but this was the most reasonable way I could come up with of creating a linkable glossary without my own server space. So here goes:

aliya - literally, the act of "going up"; used to refer both to the spiritual ascent when one moves to Israel (i.e. "making aliya) as well as the spiritual and often physical ascent to the Torah to make a bracha on a portion of the reading during a service (i.e. having/getting an aliya)

b"H - baruch Hashem - thank G-d (literally, blessed is G-d)

Beit Hamikdash – the Holy Temple

beit midrash - study hall for Torah learning

bracha - blessing

chagim - holidays (singular: chag)

chanukiya - the term used in modern Hebrew (as opposed to halachic literature) for a menora with eight positions for lights, to be used on Chanuka. (plural: chanukiyot)

chatan - groom, man to marry

chazal – acronym for chachameinu zichronam liv’racha; our wise ones of blessed memory

chevruta - study partner, or study session with such a partner

cohen - a priest who served in the Beit Hamikdash or in its predecessor the mishkan (Tabernacle); or, a descendent of the group of families who served in this role.

daven – pray

D'varim - the book of Deuteronomy in the Torah; also, as a common noun, either "things" or the content of someone's speech, in the plural. (In the latter contexts, singular: davar)

Eicha – part of Tanach: the book of Lamentations, read on the 9th of Av, a fast day to mourn numerous tragedies in Jewish history.

eretz hakodesh – the Holy Land

etrog - citron; one of the four species taken together on sukkot

gemara - the records of discourse on the Oral Law (I know that's an insufficient explanation, but I'm not equal to the composition of a better one...)

halacha – Jewish law

Har Habayit - the Temple Mount, on which the Beit Hamikdash stood

Hashem – G-d; literally, "The Name"

hashgacha pratit – personal (Divine) oversight; the concept that Hashem is looking out for every person individually at all times

kashrut - the laws of keeping kosher, or something's status of being kosher

kavana - intention, concentration

kinot - a series of lamentations recited after the book of Eichaon the 9th of Av

koach - strength

kotel - the Western Wall of Har Habayit, built by King Herod

l'havdil – "to differentiate," used when two things are being referred to in an apparent comparison for purposes of illustration, but the writer or speaker wishes to make clear that they are not on an equivalent level to truly be compared

ma'ariv - evening prayer service

masechet - tractate (of mishna or gemara)

Mashiach – Messiah

menora - candelabra, such as that used in the Beit Hamikdash

mensch – a decent, moral, upstanding human being

midrachov - outdoor pedestrian mall

mincha - afternoon prayer service

minhag - custom. Some customs in Jewish tradition are sufficiently strong to almost take on the significance of law.

mirpasot – balconies/terraces/porches (singular: mirpeset

mishloach manot – gifts of food given by one Jew to another on Purim

mishna – the primary assembled text of Oral Law

mitzva – G-d-given commandment (plural: mitzvot)

parasha - weekly Torah portion

pasuk - verse, generally from a book of Tanach

poskim - those who have the authority to make decisions on points of halacha (singular: posek)

rav - rabbi (plural: rabbanim)

rimon - pomegranate; one of the seven species special to the Land of Israel (plural: rimonim)

ruach - spirit

sefer - book; often used specifically to refer to a book of holy Jewish text (plural: s'farim)

shacharit – the morning prayer service

shalom u'vracha - a greeting: "peace and blessing"

Shavuot - literally, "Weeks"; the spring holiday occurring exactly seven weeks after the start of Passover which celebrates our receiving the Torah

shiur – a class, often used specifcally to refer to a class on a religious subject (plural: shiurim)

shloshim - literally, "thirty"; used to refer to the 30-day mourning period following a person's burial

shteebel - (Yiddish) a small room or building used as a synagogue and study hall

shuk – open-air market

shul – synagogue

shvatim – tribes, often used to reference the Twelve Tribes of Israel (singular: shevet)

smicha - rabbinic ordination

sufganiyot – Balls of dough fried in oil, customarily eaten on Chanukah to recall the miracle of the single day's oil in the Beit Hamikdash lasting eight days. In the Western world, they're more commonly known as jelly doughnuts. (singular: sufganiya)

Sukkot – “Feast of the Tabernacles,” a fall harvest holiday, the primary distinction of which is the mitzva to sit (especially to eat) in special huts with trellis-type ceilings made of material grown from the ground (i.e. branches, leaves, stalks). These huts are also called sukkot (singular: sukkah)

Tanach - an acronym for Torah (the five books of the Bible), Nevi'im (the books of the prophets), and Ketuvim (the other holy writings that were canonized together with the above)

t'fila - prayer

trisim – metal slat blinds, generally built into or in front of the window in many Israeli buildings.

t'shuva - repentance; returning (to G-d)

tzedaka - charity (from the word tzedek, meaning righteousness)

z'chut - privilege or merit

z"l - abbreviation for zichrono/na livracha, "may his/her memory be a blessing"