How I Know There Is Something Wrong With Me

If any of my teachers ever knew how many hours of actual working time -- above and beyond any procrastination -- that I put into any one of their assignments...they'd fall over in shock. It just doesn't make sense.

Dare I Say It?

This afternoon, walking from my office to the subway, I got my first whiff of spring. It wasn't just the temperature...there was that distinctly hopeful tweet of the birds, that shimmering glint of the sun...and that feeling. That whisper in the air that murmured, "spring!"

Or maybe I'm just overly hopeful?

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Look at this!! Yay! !שלום עולם (with thanks to Josh)

Halacha or Social Inflexibility?

This JPost article startled me. I guess I should have realized that there must be some Orthodox Jews who dare to go that far against the grain, but somehow I didn't. I'm hardly a halachic authority, so I can't judge either way, but if there is a space in halacha to recognize women who have the skills and dedication to become as learned in Torah as any rabbi of our time, it should happen. This, unlike so many other contemporary "feminism vs. Orthodoxy" issues, is not about what women may do, but about what we may acknowledge them to have already done. It's about the kavod -- and the salary -- we give them. It's also about the message we send to our daughters, any number of whom may want to study and teach Torah for a living, just like their male counterparts who aspire to the rabbinate...but may not want the choice between being marginal and being an insurgent.

I'm not saying that women should be allowed to make halachic rulings, if there is a credible halachic reason why they shouldn't. But as Lauren Gelfond Feldinger points out, most rabbis in our time do not have anything near the authority that they did in ages past, and s’micha does not mean now what it did then, even for men.

“Technically, an ordination is much the same as a diploma, in this case, confirmation of having mastered texts and having the ability to apply precedents to contemporary questions”

(Hat tip to Soferet.)

Like a Bird's Nest...!

I haven't been keeping up with Israeli news lately. I hear a little tidbit every now and then, or hear someone musing out loud. But mostly it's quiet, and I just wonder, somewhere in the back of my mind, what's going to happen. The word that comes to mind is "trepidation." Now I hear from Daniel Gordis that's what the entire country is doing -- holding its collective breath. But gosh darn it, every time I read a new piece of his I realize again just how well he writes.

Good Company

Reading a book about likeable people, whether real or fictional, is good medicine for loneliness. Beyond being just good entertainment, it allows one to take part in the lives of others, enjoy their personalities and react to them emotionally.

I used to know that, when I was in elementary school. I never explicitly thought otherwise, but somehow along the way -- as I (mostly) conquered my reading addiction -- I forgot that feeling. I'm glad to remember it.

Inspiration for this post: Calico Palace, by Gwen Bristow

Mishloach Manot and Tzedakah

Many of my friends and acquaintances have heard me talk about my dear friend in Israel, Adina, and her family there, and her husband Ben-Yishai, and his family there...and about his brother, Gavriel Hoter, yz"b, hy"d, who was murdered in Yeshivat Otniel along with three other students in December of 2002.

Since that time, their family has been both beneficiaries and contributors to the Terror Victims Association/Almagor. This organization, like many others, helps victims and their families; however, there are two things which make TVA unique. First, they have been in operation since long before the intense violence of the last few years. In fact, they have been operating since 1986 and continue to give assistance to those who were struck that long ago. Second, the organization was founded by and continues to be largely supported by the efforts of victims and their families. In that way, people whose lives have been damaged by terror can heal through the mutual support of others who know their pain.

For Purim, TVA is sending mishlochei manot to families in their care. They have produced very nice cards which, upon sponsorship of one such basket ($20), one may send to a friend in lieu of or in addition to actual mishloach manot. As Ben-Yishai is currently in the US, I have a pile of these cards. If anyone is interested in sponsoring TVA's m"m, please let me know as soon as possible.

Please tell me how many cards you would like and your address. If you tell me before shabbat hopefully that will give you enough time to send them out to your own friends before Purim. Alternatively, if you would like me to write in your name and your friends' names and mail them directly, please tell me their names and addresses.

Shabbat shalom to all!

Absentminded Freak!!!

Now, don't get all insulted. I'm talking about myself.

This morning I had grand plans for making a big list of all the things I need to accomplish, and actually doing a visible chunk of them. I took several items with me that I needed to make phone calls about them from work. I made sure that I remembered my cell phone, which I sometimes forget.

I walked to the subway (four between-avenue blocks, which is just under half a mile), went down the stairs, and then realized that I had taken my unlimited Metrocard out of my jacket pocket while I was away over shabbat and never put it back. "Darn," I thought. "There goes $3 down the drain, and on top of that I'll have to wait on these ridiculous Monday morning lines." I've never been able to figure out why people wait until Monday morning to buy their new weekly card, or to buy any kind of Metrocard, for that matter, when they know the rest of the world will be standing with them on lines that stretch from the token booth (hmmm, that's a rather outdated term) and the vending machines all the way to the turnstiles.

Anyway, I reached into my pocket and started looking for the end of the line...and then realized that my wallet (which I had put back in after shabbat) was still sitting in my room where I left it after adding a little more cash last night. I thought I had put it right where my work badge was (which I had taken with me), but apparently I had hid it from myself. So I had no money on me at all -- no cash, no plastic. I turned around, went back up the stairs, and went all the way back home.

A wonderfully efficient start to a productive (ahem, ahem...pardon me, I seem to have something stuck in my throat) day.

Wave Bye-Bye, Scruples

My pangs of conscience don't seem to be strong enough. You wouldn't believe what I did most of the morning...or how long this thread has become...

Funk

I wish I could figure out how to get out of this funk I'm in. Or maybe I don't wish, but I should. It's like a permanent Counting Crows mood.

I wonder if I stay up so late in some twisted hope that I will get sick and justify staying in bed all day.

What's Wrong With Me???

After all that, I spend my entire work-designated period tonight tearing up the arguments of people who think "Modern Orthodox" is a curse word. All because Aviel had to link to Miriam's main blog instead of a specific post, so I ran across this post instead of the one she was referring to about Gali Girls (which I'd already heard about from Sarah).

And now I see that Shanna thought the post worthy of notice as well. I guess that makes me feel a bit better...until I start panicking again...

Ramblings

Today we got a glimpse of hope: 45-56 degrees, a preview (maybe?) of things to come (when?!) But only for one day; then it’s going back to the 20s.

At least I had a lovely, lovely weekend away to improve my mood (thanks to R, J & B and their other guests, and to R & T)…until I got back to my own reality and began to realize quite how many things I am behind on planning, scheduling, organizing, completing, earning, arranging, reading, writing, investigating, and otherwise doing. Anxiety attack!!!

To give an idea of my headaches (yes, this is a forum for me to whine and complain. It’s my blog!):

I need to finish the assignment that was technically due last week on which I’ve been procrastinating even more than usual, partly because the prof said she didn’t care if we took an extra week…but it’ll now be a crunch to even get it done this week. I also need to write out at least some vague description of my research idea, which isn’t really an idea so much as a reversion to my default “field of study.” Transportation, transportation, transportation. Blech. I also need to catch up with my reading for the same course, which I haven’t been doing because the assignment is more urgent. Ha.

I need to compare prices and facilities for storage in the Ithaca area so as to decide where to put all my stuff (currently in a back nook of my otherwise sublet apartment) next year. Then I need to figure out how and exactly when to get it all there at the end of May just before my graduation and the end of my lease, how much help of what sort I’m going to need and from whom, whether to make two separate trips up there or to go early and stay, how many days off from work each scenario will involve, etc, etc.

I need to do my taxes, and to do so figure out what deductions/exemptions/charges apply to my various tuition payments and loan & grant disbursals.

I need to figure out what yeshiva I want to go to next year. (Anyone with constructive comments about Nishmat or Matan, please weigh in here. More on this to come.) I need to check that whichever institution I choose is accredited by my creditors (say that ten times fast) to allow me to defer my loan payments while I’m enrolled at least half time, and find out how they define that.

Deep breath. I think there’s more, but it’s not coming to mind at the moment. No doubt cause for further panic will take me by surprise when I’m least prepared for it.

Winter, Winter, Go Away

I'm tired of worrying about whether I put on enough layers every morning. I'm tired of having to wear that big heavy coat, and having to make sure that it's closed and my scarf is properly wrapped before I step out the door. I'm tired of picking off the feathers it leaves on all my clothes!

I'm tired of having to turn on the heater in my room in order to coax myself out of bed, and I'm tired of walking into an icebox after I've been out all day and my door's been closed. I'm tired of going into the subway and stifling because I'm dressed for outside. And, now that I'm in the city, I'm tired of seeing snow that stays nice for all of a few hours before it turns hard or mushy, black, and generally disgusting.

Does the weather warrant such a rant? No, probably not. But I'm feeling bored and frustrated overall these days, and the continuation of winter is certainly not helping.

Speaking of the Subway...

I've been meaning for a while to post a really great "Metropolitan Diary" entry that lined the subway cars and buses a few months back:

Dear Diary,
While waiting for the subway at the 57th St. station, I noticed a well-dressed man standing on the platform close to the tracks. He was removing his gray suede gloves, and as he pulled the first one off, it slipped from his grip and fell onto the tracks below. Without pausing, he removed the other glove and threw it onto the tracks to join its mate.
I smiled and he smiled, and we both knew that he had thrown the second glove so that some lucky track repairman would find a pair of new and wearable gloves. - Ira L. Levinson

Of course, in practicality the gloves would probably have become wet, muddy, gritty, smelly, or any number of other adjectives that things acquire by lying in the NYC subway for more than 3 seconds, long before any track worker got to them. Still, I wish more people had that mentality.

New York-ness

I can't believe I'm sitting in a random Baskin-Robbins (where I got a free scoop in celebration of Yahoo's anniversary -- yum!)...and blogging on some wireless network that happens to be out there (when I'm supposed to be doing my work). I can't quite get used to technology.

Anyway, what I came on to mention was the announcement I heard today on the subway that made me do a double-take. I was sitting there reading my book, when the same automated voice that normally says things like, "For your safety, please do not hold the doors while the train is in the station," said..."Riding on the outside of subway cars is dangerous. For your safety, please always ride inside the train." (I'm paraphrasing here, but you see how that might have made me look up and wonder if I'd heard right?)

Only in New York.

Substance

OK, so I know I don't write all that much of substance very often, but that just means I don't have the creativity to come up with many deep musings on my own. I do, however, very much appreciate some of the weightier topics, like this one. I'm glad other people put them out there.

HELP: Clarification

I had a request for "more guidance" in the comments to my plea for inspiration. (I'd respond in the comments, only I can't get there until tonight. We'll see if this post-by-email even makes its way to where it's supposed to.) Anyway, that's the problem: I have no more guidance...or at least I won't until I meet with the prof on Thursday, but I should have at least an idea for a topic before then.

It's a research design course, in the anthropology department. That's all. The course is about what "science" is: hard science, social science, starting with a hypothesis vs. a problematique, entering research with certain assumptions, what's real evidence, etc, etc. I will have to develop a research proposal. That's all I can tell you.

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This is my first post by email, just to see how it works.